(Image appears courtesy of www.consoleinformer.com, whom we stole it from)
It’s official: people are getting dumber.
Yes, that’s right, Michael Bay’s Transformers was voted as Best Picture in the MTV Movie Awards for 2008. Bay, one of many Hollywood Hacks (or Uwe Boll with a budget, if you will), has actually managed to win something for his abominable big-screen live-action/CGI adaptation of the popular 80s animated series (which, incidentally, ruled – and was infinitely better than anything Michael Bay will ever work on).
That was just strike one. Strike two occurred when Will Smith won Best Male Performance at the (ahem) prestigious award ceremony for his half-believable role in I Am Legend, another lousy film from Bay’s fellow Horseman of the Apocalypse, Akiva Goldsman.
Smith stumbled his way through I Am Legend, the umpteenth film adaptation of Richard Matheson’s oh-so-superior story, by quoting Shrek (glad to see that course on plagiarism has really paid off for you, Akiva), talking to mannequins, and battling poorly-animated zombie/vampire hybrids (pick a critter and stick with it, dammit!) before sacrificing his life for the sake of two people who died in the book (and every other film incarnation), thus making him “a legend”. Not only did Goldsman and co-writer Mark Protosevich manage to completely destroy Matheson’s meaning behind the story’s title (in the story, our hero was the last human in a world of vampires – thus turning him into a legendary monster that preyed upon the world’s new civilization), but they also informed us (in the end) that our hero was in his early 50s (Smith was all of 39 when the movie was filmed).
The third, final, and fatal strike came when Will Smith asked Michael Bay to re-team him with Martin Lawrence and make Bad Boys 3 during the ceremony (which will no doubt cause Brett Ratner to make Rush Hour 4).
The future of action films will consist primarily of moving things exploding on freeways (Michael Bay’s overused and unoriginal cinematic signature).
Another unwanted sequel, Transformers 2, is currently set for a 2009 release.
You filmgoers out there do know that we can stop people like Bay, Goldsman, and Jerry Bruckheimer by not watching their movies, right?
Failing that, we can always kill them.
I opt for the latter.
–Luigi
